I am sitting here with hot tears streaming down my face. Maybe I shouldn't be writing about it on a blog, but I really, really need someone to comfort me.
And maybe what I need comfort with isn't a big deal, but I think it is. I was just told I couldn't graduate in April. I was misinformed as to when I was supposed to have my oral exam, and since I am taking it a few weeks later then the deadline, I can't graduate in April. I can graduate in June, but I don't want to. Its the principle of the thing. I want to be completely DONE. I am sick and tired and fed up with this whole grad school thing. I am beginning to hate my instrument. I am not healthy. I am so overwhelmed. I am so sad.
And the worse part is my Davey isn't here to comfort me. He is in Pittsburgh for a recruiting weekend. I was going to write a blog spouting the joys of the new adventure we will be having in the coming months and how we have gotten into some amazing schools and how now we get to decide where we should go.
But now it feels like a curse because no one is there to comfort me. I need help and I don't know where to find it.
I just want to be done with school. It has caused me too much grief and anxiety and sadness and now this awful existence has to be prolonged. When is enough enough? I am weary from this mortal toil. My burden is too heavy.
Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but it is to me, for some reason. I can't go on like this. I am sorry for complaining, but I am a real person with some heavy loads to bear. I've gone long enough carrying them alone, with David and parents by my side, but I am asking for help.
I am sure I am going to regret posting this later, but oh well.
I just don't know how to go on. I have a student coming to my house in less than a half hour and my face is a mess, my apartment is even messier and I don't feel like being nice.
But it will work out? Yes? God really does love me? I hope.
Maybe one of these days I will look outside and feel the sun on my face and think that it is good to be alive. And I guess, why do I keep going? Because I have hope that someday life will be sunny. That someday I won't feel like I am pushing a boulder up a hill. That some day I won't have to fake life.
Fake it till you make it.
And I'll make it. God's helped me before, and he'll help me again and again and stand by my side. If I'm Frodo, God is my Sam. Well, even more so.