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Friday, March 4, 2011

I need some lovin'

I am sitting here with hot tears streaming down my face. Maybe I shouldn't be writing about it on a blog, but I really, really need someone to comfort me.

And maybe what I need comfort with isn't a big deal, but I think it is. I was just told I couldn't graduate in April. I was misinformed as to when I was supposed to have my oral exam, and since I am taking it a few weeks later then the deadline, I can't graduate in April. I can graduate in June, but I don't want to.  Its the principle of the thing. I want to be completely DONE. I am sick and tired and fed up with this whole grad school thing. I am beginning to hate my instrument. I am not healthy. I am so overwhelmed. I am so sad.

And the worse part is my Davey isn't here to comfort me. He is in Pittsburgh for a recruiting weekend. I was going to write a blog spouting the joys of the new adventure we will be having in the coming months and how we have gotten into some amazing schools and how now we get to decide where we should go.

But now it feels like a curse because no one is there to comfort me. I need help and I don't know where to find it.

I just want to be done with school. It has caused me too much grief and anxiety and sadness and now this awful existence has to be prolonged. When is enough enough? I am weary from this mortal toil. My burden is too heavy.

Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but it is to me, for some reason. I can't go on like this. I am sorry for complaining, but I am a real person with some heavy loads to bear. I've gone long enough carrying them alone, with David and parents by my side, but I am asking for help.

I am sure I am going to regret posting this later, but oh well.

I just don't know how to go on. I have a student coming to my house in less than a half hour and my face is a mess, my apartment is even messier and I don't feel like being nice.

But it will work out? Yes? God really does love me? I hope.

Maybe one of these days I will look outside and feel the sun on my face and think that it is good to be alive. And I guess, why do I keep going? Because I have hope that someday life will be sunny. That someday I won't feel like I am pushing a boulder up a hill. That some day I won't have to fake life.

Fake it till you make it.

And I'll make it. God's helped me before, and he'll help me again and again and stand by my side. If I'm Frodo, God is my Sam. Well, even more so.

6 comments:

Suzy said...

Hang in there Rachel. Some days just stink. It smells like your day today is nasty beyond nasty. :(
Today I actually listened to the tune of the bell tower... "Come, come ye saints, no toil nor labor fear, but with joy wend your way" The fact that your "way" might be a prolonged time to graduation...which is really really really really really lame.

But. HE can and WILL help you! You're totally right.

Jennilyn said...

Pittsburgh possibility? My sister, Luanna, lives just north of the city, in Cranberry Township. There is a fudge shack in the front yard of a nice lady who makes wonderful treats...You would be close to extended cousin family, which would be wonderful! Meanwhile, I hope things feel better, soon. Bummer about the graduation part. You are good at communicating your frustrations, which is a gift. Sometimes a good scream really helps. I try and do it when I am very alone. Under water is a good spot (bathtub, or swimming). Then just breathe. Maybe with some really good chocolate between your teeth...Inhale, exhale.

Marianne said...

Oh Rachel. My heart is breaking for you!! I'm SO sorry. What happened?? WHY DIDN'T APRIL TELL YOU???! Or Marilyn, or someone on your committee?? Can you petition? Is there nothing to be done? Can Kory do something?

Please hang in there!! Somehow this will all work out. It has to! You can do this! You've done so much and you're almost there. You're so close. And I think your feelings are COMPLETELY understandable. Go ahead and cry, and feel sad. And get some sleep, and when David gets home you can figure out what to do.

"Keep goin' Mr. Frodo. There's nothin' for it."

Please, please call me if you want me to come over, or take you to Baskin Robbins!!

Erica said...

I am sorry !!!! Why didn't someone tell you is my question??!!!!!! Keep going to the temple. I go by myself at least every other week. You are welcome to come with me. Life isn't perfect for me, but I really feel help. Go as often as you can. I promise that everything will be better.

You are totally okay with being mad/sad/ferocious about this whole situation. I have heard some things about the grad program that need to be worked out there. It is kind of frustrating I hear. Keep up the good work :). You are ALMOST there. You are almost at the TOP of the hill!!

Bonnie said...

Rachel, I am so sorry. I hope you're feeling better.

Amber said...

Rachel, that really, really bites. I'm so sorry. I know this must be sickening. Are you getting your DMA? You might want to think about taking some time off. You and David should go on a Carnival Cruise. I'm trying to schedule a cruise with Matt. I think it'll be really relaxing and good for the mind. If not, treat yourself to something. You NEED it. Please, don't hesitate to stop me to talk sometime. Maybe I'll stop you to talk sometime too. I read your blog posts and realize that we have a lot in common.

God bless. I hope you're feeling better now.